Church's Worst Nightmare
by Peanut Butter Bacon
Summary: Church's log #1: So yeah, I thought that I would sacrifice myself to save all the idiots in my life... needless to say that didn't happen. Now I'm stuck as a freakin' FEMALE horse in a world where everything is bright and happy. Oh yeah, apparently I'm a princess on top of that. Why does the universe hate me?
1. Chapter 1: I Would Have Rather Died

**Note: Welcome to my 2nd story! Fun fact, this is actually based off a dream I had, so the way things are happening and how Church looks is from that. Yep, my mind is strange. Also yeah, I'm doing the whole falling from the sky to land in another world cliché. I do not own RvB or MLP.**

 **Okay Begin!**

* * *

Twilight was conducting some experimental magic when Pinkie Pie suddenly busted through the door, startling the unicorn and making her spell impload on itself.

"Pinkie!" the purple unicorn yelled.

The cupcake loving pony was running around in circles and crashing into a bunch of things, knocking them over and breaking some others.

"What are you supposed to be doing?!" Twilight asked her energetic friend.

"Can't. Talk. Must. Find. Shiny!" Pinkie Pie replied.

"What?"

Just then the purple unicorn heard laughing behind her and turned around to find Rainbow Dash with a laser pointer.

"Heh, sorry Twilight. I was hanging out with Pinke Pie when I found this, she just started chasing it so I couldn't help myself." the pegasus explained while still messing with their friend.

"Well did you have to make her chase it inside my house?"

"I guess not, but you have to admit it's a pretty good show."

Twilight just sighed. She had been preparing that experiment for weeks, now her upgraded teleportation spell was a complete bust... or so she thought.

* * *

Two minutes earlier on Chorus...

"Hey, uh... I just wanted to let you guys know that out of everyone I ever met, I hate you all the least." Church told the other Reds and Blues plus Doc as they were ready to fight Haragrove's men.

Tucker just looked at him through the Meta's helmet. "See you on the other side Church." he responded as he got into a fighting stance.

Suddenly time froze.

Epsilon sighed. "Not this time buddy." he said before dropping his sniper rifle. It disintegrated itself.

He turned to face his friends, no... his family, one last time.

 _"Are you sure about this?"_ Delta asked as he appeared.

"I'm sure. Start a recording for me D."

 _"Recording."_ the green AI said before disappearing.

"Hey guys, if you're hearing this it means you did it. You won. You kicked the shit out of Hargrove's forces, I knew you could... but this is my last stop. See when I came into this world I was, really just a collection of someone else's memories. But with your help, these memories they; they took form. They became my voice, my personality... and, after a while; I began to make brand new memories of my own. All of these things are, what makes me who I am... but they're also holding me back. I can't run this suit as Epsilon, but if I erase my memories if I... deconstruct myself, the fragments I'll leave behind will have the strength to get you through this."

Omega, Gamma, Delta, Sigma, Eta, Iota, and Theta flashed in front of him in a line facing towards the soldiers.

"I believe that. I wish there was another way, but I'm leaving this message as well as others in the hopes that you understand why I have to go this time. Haha... It was, it was actually Doyle who made me realize something that I've never thought of before. There's so many stories where some brave hero decides to give their life to save the day, and because of their sacrifice the good guys win, the survivors all cheer, and everybody lives happily ever after. But the hero, never gets to see that ending. They'll never know if their sacrifice actually made a difference."

Church glitched.

"They'll never know if the day was actually saved."

He glitched again.

"In the end, they just have to have faith."

Epsilon glitched one more time before shattering.

"... Ain't that a bitch?"

* * *

All the shattered pieces of Epsilon reformed in a plain of light blue.

"So, this is the afterlife huh? Feels, kind of breezy."

Something white sped past and above him.

"Huh?"

It was followed by several more before he realized what they were.

"Are these, clouds?"

He then realized that he was falling from the sky.

"HOLY SHIIIIIIII...!"

* * *

Fluttershy, Rarity, and a few animals were on a picnic when the sky went pitch black for a second and looked up when it returned to normal. However, when it did the two pony's saw a bright flash of light and heard a faint noise that just kept on getting louder.

"...IIIIIIIIT!"

The group quickly ran from their spots as somepony splatted cartoonily flat in the smack center of the blanket... with their face landing in a pie.

* * *

"Auuugh..." Church moaned. 'What the fuck just happened? I feel like I just got hit by a truck.' he thought to himself.

Epsilon slowly sat up with his vision shut off. How could an AI have pain? That didn't seem physically possible. He turned his vision back on and was startled by the first thing that he had seen.

"Hi!" a girl greeted him, a pink thing with big blue eyes were directly in front of his face blocking his vision from everything else.

"What the shit?!" he yelled as he fell off the medical bed and faceplanted on the floor. "Oww."

"Ooh, this is great! I'll go let them know you've woken up! Then we can throw a party!" the girl said happily as she sped out of the room.

Church sat up, only to fall back down after trying to stand on his legs.

"Damnit. The hell was that?... Wait." He had heard a familiar voice. "Tex?!"

Church quickly looked for his girlfriend that he had to let go of to finally let her rest in peace from where he was sitting but couldn't find her anywhere. Instead he only saw what looked like a medical room.

"Tex? Wait a second. Lalala? Tucker's a dick. Fuck. ... Why the hell do I sound like Tex?!"

Not only did he sound like Texas but he felt weird too. He felt a little extra weight on the sides of his back from when Alpha had a body, actually, how did he even feel weight in general? Or pain? Or even the wind from earlier when he fell from the freaking sky?

Epsilon put his hands on the side of the bed and pushed himself up into a standing position... wait. His hands? Those things supporting him weren't hands. Whatever the crap they were looked like black animal legs.

He then heard the door click and saw two white stallions with gold armor walk in and move out of the way for a bigger horse to enter. It was also white but was about double the height of the other two, had gold hooves, a flowy rainbow mane and tail, pink eyes, a horn, a pair of wings, was wearing a tiara, and had a tattoo of the sun on it's rear. As if that wasn't enough, it was followed a light-purple unicorn smaller than the armored ones with a dark-purple mane and tail with a light-purple streak, purple eyes, and a tattoo of a purple star surrounded by smaller white ones on it's butt.

Church stared at them in disbelief. "Okay, what kind of sick joke is this?"

"Pardon me?" the big magical unicorn thing said.

"Wait... did you, did you just talk?"

"... Yes." it said as though it were confused. From the tone it sounded female.

Silence.

"That's it, I've gone insane." Epsilon remarked and tried to walk off only to fall on the floor again. "Oh, come on!"

"Who are you?" the tiara wearing horse asked a second question.

"The hell should I tell you?"

"Because if you don't I will have no choice but to view you as more of a threat than I already do. Getting to know one's name is a start on the path to trust."

"What are you some kind of monk? Fine, I'll tell you who I am; but only after we answer a few questions of mine."

Twilight couldn't believe what she was hearing. This pony had literally zero respect for Princess Celestia.

"Very well then. What do you want to know?" the tiara pony asked.

"The hell am I?" Epsilon asked.

"You are in Ponyville."

"... Ponyville?"

"Yes."

"... What the heck are you farmers or something?"

"Not everypony, but there are a few."

"Where's Ponyville located?"

"It's an overnight trip from Canterlot."

"Where's Canterlot?"

The princess was puzzled. "Are you aware that you're in Equestria?"

Church put his "hand" to his chin. 'Equestria? Canterlot? Ponyville? Is everything named by horse puns? Wait. Horse's talking, horse pun place names, I fell from the sky... Son of a bitch. I didn't erase myself. I somehow transported myself to another word! What the actual balls?!' "Yeah, I'm aware. Just testing you." 'I can't believe this! Why does the dumb shit always happen to me?! I guess I'll try to play it off until I can get out of here.'

"Oh? Well then. Any other questions?"

"Uh, yeah. Who are you?"

Again, the princess was confused. "I am Celestia. The ruler of Equestria."

'Of course you fucking are.' "So, what do I owe the pleasure of royalty?"

"That is something we will discuss in a second. First, your name please."

"Huh? Oh ya, right. Uh, Epsilon Church."

"That's quite an odd name."

"Yeah well so is Celestia."

The princess snickered. "Well yes, I suppose it might be. As for the reason I have come here is because you fell from the sky, and I wasn't aware that there was another alicorn."

"Well yeah, I suppose that does look kind of... wait. Did you say alicorn?"

"Were you not aware?"

"Umm... What's an alicorn?"

"Alicorns are those few who are gifted with both a horn and wings, typically they are rulers and have a specific job to do on top of that. Like how I raise the sun and my sister raises the moon. However one can only become an alicorn if they are given the change by another alicorn, and I don't recall Cadince or Luna doing so and I haven't myself."

Church could feel his eyes expand and ran on all fours to a mirror that was hanging on the wall.

'Ah, what the hell?! I'm a fucking horse?!'

Then he finally realized what he looked like and his heart sank.

Epsilon Church was now a black horse around the same size as the purple unicorn in the room, had bright blue eyes to the point of nearly glowing, a blonde mane and tail, and a tattoo of computer coding alongside a sniper rifle on his rear. Subtract the tattoo and bright blue eyes and not only did he sound like but looked like...

"Tex..."

In real life, Allison Church had blonde hair but her memory **(Texas)** was covered in black battle armor.

The room filled with awkward silence until Church snapped out of his sorrow and recalled something Celestia had said.

"Hold on. Did you just tell me that you could control the sun and your sister controls the moon?"

"Indeed." the princess responded.

"So alicorns are like gods?"

"I suppose...?" Celestia didn't know how to respond to his question because she didn't know what a god was.

However, the toothy grin Epsilon formed made her, Twilight, and the guards uncomfortable.

"Okay, maybe this doesn't suck as much as I thought."

Church then got an idea. He pointed his horn at one of the guards and imagined them flying through the wall. As he did, the four in the room took a defensive stance as his horn was glowing blue. He shot a magic laser that did exactly what he imagined.

"Holy shit! This is awesome! I am awesome!" Epsilon exclaimed.

"What was that for?!" Celestia demanded.

"What? Oh yeah, I just wanted to test to see if I could use magic."

Church remembered that in some of the story books that he had to read to Caboose to make him go to sleep had unicorns that could use magic.

"Did you have to test it on one of my guards?!" the princess demanded.

"I suppose not, but what good is being a god if you can't smite some people?" he said with a smirk.

The three equines were shocked by what the new arrival had just said. From how "she" was talking about it, a god seemed like a powerful being like the princess... and "she" said that there was no point in being one if they couldn't hurt ponies. They didn't lower their guard for a few more minutes while the nurse made sure the knocked out stallion was okay.

"So Epsilon, where are you from?" Twilight asked while still skeptical of the alicorn.

"Umm... Canterlot." That was the only place Church knew the name of besides Ponyville.

"Really? I'm from there too. How did you not know about Princess Celestia? I mean her castle is set there."

"Oh, umm... I was homeschooled."

"But you still could have seen her..."

"I never went outside."

"What about in books?"

"I don't read picture books."

"What's your family like?"

Church smiled slightly. "They're loud, annoying, assholes who are complete and utter idiots. But they always had mine and eachother's backs whenever times got tough or one of us screwed up." Church's smile faded and he looked down. "But they're gone now."

Sure he was making it seem like they died when it was actually him who did... several times, but he was on an unknown world and these magic, talking, rainbow, horse, things wouldn't believe that anyways.

Twilight looked down and apologized. "Oh, I-I'm sorry."

After talking for a little while longer Celestia pulled the unicorn called Twilight Sparkle to the side.

'And I thought Caboose was a dumb name.' Church thought.

"Can you do me a favor?" Celestia asked her student.

"What is it?" asked Twilight.

"I would like you to take Epsilon in until we get a house here for her."

"No disrespect Princess, but are you sure that's a good idea?"

"I'm sure it'll be fine, she doesn't seem like she meant too much harm. She must be going through a hard time after all and she doesn't have anywhere to stay. Plus, this could help you with your friendship lessons."

Twilight thought about it for a second. Like the princess said, Epsilon could be going through pain that she would hopefully never feel and the alicorn could use some friends if she just stayed home all the time and to comfort her. Twilight was still kind of new to the whole having friends thing but it was already a lot better than having none.

"I'll do it." the purple unicorn said.

"Thanks. Although I recommend you keep an eye on her and let me know if anything seems off."

Celestia was greatly disturbed by the thought of a new alicorn that nopony had mentioned and on top of that she also had to worry about when and why the sky went darker than midnight before returning to normal with a blinding flash in the sky that followed... maybe the two were connected? Epsilon did fall from the sky almost immediately afterwards. For the time being, the princess needed somepony that would keep an eye an the new alicorn whilst she looked into the anomaly.

Twilight nodded at what the princess had said and the two looked back at Church who was figuring out how to fly.

"Epsilon, are you looking for a place to stay?" the purple pony asked.

Church stopped moving and managed to stay in place whilst in the air as he was flapping his wings and put his hoof to his chin again. 'Well I suppose I do need somewhere while I try to figure out how to get away from this place. I could also research some of this alicorn shit.' "Actually I am."

"Well, you can stay at the library with me until we get you a house built."

'Library? That's perfect. Wait. Why is she living in a library? Hold on. She basically just asked a stranger to live with her for a while and I look like a girl to them. Oh fuck. If she turns out to be a lesbian, I am so fucking out of here.' "Thanks, I'll take you up on that."

A little while later the two alicorns, Twilight, and the two guards left the hospital. Celestia said her goodbye's before she and the "golden girls" as Church called the stallions **(male horses)** left. The princess got on a chariot that was being pulled by two more guards who where pegasi.

'Seriously? You have fucking wings and you make them pull you. Man, and Tucker called Alpha lazy for piggyback rides. This is like Grif levels of lazy.' Church thought.

He then turned around to see five more ponies looking at him. One was another unicorn, there were two pegasi, and finally two "regular ones". Regular in quotes cause they were still freaking colorful. The new unicorn was white with an extremely groomed navy-blue mane/tail, blue eyes, and three blue diamond tattoos on her rear. One pegasus was light-yellow with a groomed pink mane/tail, blue eyes, and three pink butterfly tattoos on her rear while the other was light-blue with a rainbow colored mane/tail, pink eyes, and a tattoo of a cloud with a rainbow lighting strike on her rear. Finally, the first " regular pony" was pink all around except for her blue eyes and two light-blue balloons with a yellow one on her rear and her mane/tail was wild while the second one was orange with a yellow mane/tail that were pulled back by red bands, had green eyes, three red apple tattoos on her rear, and was wearing a cowboy hat.

"Epsilon, this is Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie and Applejack. Girls, this is Epsilon." Twilight said.

The new ponies responded accordingly to their introductions. "A pleasure., H-hi., Sup?, Hello!, Howdy!"

The pony known as Pinkie Pie ran up at freaking jet-like speed with the biggest and dumbest smile that Church had ever seen on her face, and he lived with Caboose. She stopped only a few inches from his face before words fell from her mouth like a stinkin' waterfall.

"Sorryaboutscaringyouearlierbut,ooh!I'mjustsoexcitedtobeabletomakeanothernewfriend!IsayanotherbecauseIjustmetTwilightalittlebitagoandwellI'mjustsoexcited!DidIsaythatalready?IthinkIalreadysaidthatbutIdon'tcare!I'mjustsoexcitedtomakeanothernewfriend!I'mgoingtothrowyouabig'WelcometoPonyville'party!Andhere'salittlesomethingsomethingforyou!"

Pinkie then breathed in a ton of air before she started singing and dancing.

|Welcome, welcome, welcome!

A fine welcome to you!

Welcome, welcome, wel...!|

Pinkie would have continued if Applejack didn't pull her back.

"You might wanna calm down there sugarcube. I think yer makin' Epsilon here uncomfortable." the cowpony told her.

Everyone looked at Church who was frozen in place and his right eye was twitching.

'Holy. Shit. It's a female Caboose. A pink, pony version of Caboose on a sugar rush and a stupidly high voice. And just when I thought this hell couldn't get any worse. Kill. Me. Now. God.' he thought.

"So, umm... I didn't know we had another princess." Rainbow Dash said.

"Did you...? Did you just say I'm a princess?"

"Uh, yeah. You don't see anypony other than them who have both wings and a horn."

'PRINCESS?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?! ARE ALL ALICORNS ARE PRINCESSES?! I MEAN IT, I WANT TO DIE!'

"It seems like she just became one not that long ago." Twilight explained.

'Oh, you have no damn idea!'

* * *

That night...

Church was finally able to get away from the others and was on his way to the library with Twilight.

'At least the pink Caboose copy left to go prepare for her stupid party.' he thought to himself.

The two stopped walking when they got to a giant tree. A tree. A tree with windows, a door, and an overhanging porch on the side... at this point he should stop getting surprised by crap.

"He we are." Twilight announced as she opened the door and they entered. "Just make yourself at home."

The inside of the tree didn't look like a bad set up. Although there was just one thing. It was completely carved out to make room for everything inside.

'The hell is this thing still alive?' Church thought.

He then looked to the side and saw a purple lizard with green spikes and stomach standing on it's hind legs while sweeping the floor.

"Oh, I didn't know we were having guests." it said when it noticed their presence.

"Uh... What are you?" asked Church.

"This is Spike, he's a baby dragon. Spike, this is Epsilon." Twilight said.

"Dragon huh? Dude, that's badass."

Spike blushed. "Oh, uh... Thanks."

Church was confused. 'The hell is he blushing? Oh wait. I'm a girl in this world. Son of a bitch.'

"Epsilon is moving to ponyville and she'll be staying with us until she gets a house built." Twilight explained. "And I would greatly appreciate it if you wouldn't use that kind of language."

Church waved her off with his hoof. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I'm gonna say whatever the hell I want."

"Hold on. Is she... an alicorn?" Spike asked shakily and Twilight nodded.

The dragon the started freaking out. "W-why didn't you tell me we were having an alicorn over?! I could have cleaned up some more!"

Church looked around the library, there was only like five books on the floor.

"Looks pretty clean to me." he said.

* * *

Later...

The three were upstairs in separate beds.. except Spike. He was in a dog bed. Church couldn't sleep. All he could think about were the guys, this stupid world, how to leave said world, and most importantly... Tex. Like he wasn't cursed with her memory enough, he also had to live with the fact that he let her go do she could finally rest in peace, now he basically was her.

'This is so fucking screwed up.' he thought.

Epsilon then turned to look at the clock, it was about two AM. He then made sure that both the purple unicorn and dragon were asleep before slowly pulling off the covers and quietly flying outside. Church flew about six minutes away from the town before landing on the ground.

"Okay, so these 'cutie mark' things..." Church cringed at saying what the tattoos were called. "are a special talent. Figures mine's computer coding with a sniper rifle."

Church then got an idea. Celestia's was the sun and she controlled the sun, so if his was coding... maybe he could do some AI crap. It was worth a shot. Church closed his eyes and focused on reading the star pattern. That was one thing he could do before and if it worked it might help him find out where in the galaxy he was. His horn started glowing after a few seconds passed. He was indeed able to read the star pattern and compare it to others. However they didn't match anything known.

"You have got to be kidding me. Nothing. The stars don't match. What the hell?"

Epsilon then fell to his knees, memories of Tex and her voice that was now being used as his own flooded his head.

Church raised his head to the sky and yelled: "Why universe?! Why must you hate everyone that goes by the name Church?! What the fuck did we ever do to you?!"

When he said this he spoke about himself, Alpha, the Director, and most imporantly... Allison Church.

He stood there complaining for a little while longer until he got ahold of himself and began a recording. He didn't know how long he would be stuck in this world, so if he died or some crap this may be able to find it's way to the guys somehow.

"Church's log #1: So yeah, I thought that I would sacrifice myself to save all the idiots in my life... needless to say that didn't happen. Now I'm stuck as a freakin' FEMALE horse in a world where everything is bright and happy. Oh yeah, apparently I'm a princess on top of that. Why does the universe hate me?"

Church stopped the recording and flew back to the library with his head hung in defeat.


	2. Chapter 2: A Pinkie Party

**Note: I just want to go ahead and say now that the chapters for this story will just be at whatever length I feel like stopping at 'cause this is more of just a "for the lols" story. Anyways, hope you guys enjoy and I'll see you later.**

 **Okay begin!**

* * *

Church woke up the next morning exactly when the time struck four fifteen, with it, the weather forecast, and a few other things appearing in the corner of his eye.

"Alright Carolina, up and at... 'em." he said, pausing when he realized that he didn't just somehow manage to have a dream about yesterday. "Fuck." he whispered as to not wake up Twilight and/or Spike.

'Now what?' he thought. 'Hang on. I'm in a library. I'll research some shit until they get up.'

Church then pulled off the covers and flew downstairs. He grabbed a few books on the history of Equestria and astronomy. Some time passed and he noticed that it was now seven forty seven and he looked at Twilight's clock in the main room to see that it was the same time zone. At least ONE thing was. Church closed the history book he was reading and put each one back where he found it. As he was putting the last one up he heard a noise. His stomach.

'What the...? Oh yeah, I have a body now. Food's kind of essential.'

Church looked around but couldn't find a spec of food in the tree. Maybe he could get some from town?

* * *

30 minutes later...

Twilight woke up and stretched before glancing at Epsilon's bed. She let out a gasp when she saw that the alicorn wasn't there and went downstairs to see that "she" was no longer in the tree. The purple unicorn went back upstairs and started shaking her assistant.

"Spike, Spike!"

"H-huh? What?" he asked sleepily.

"Have you seen Epsilon?"

*yawn* "No."

"Uh oh."

Twilight then ran out of the library and looked for Epsilon outside. She looked around town but couldn't find "her"or anypony who had seen "her". A princess. How could she lose a princess?! Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy noticed their friend running around like crazy and decided to see what was up with her.

"Hey. What are you doing running all over the place?" the former asked.

The purple unicorn quickly pulled the two pegasi behind a wall of Sugarcube Corner and explained how Epsilon was gone when she woke up, and how she needed to find "her" before something bad happened.

"You don't need to get all hysterical Twilight. She's probably just off getting breakfast or something." Rainbow said.

"Maybe, but Princess Celestia requested that I watch her. She wants me to try to befriend Epsilon and it will be my responsibility if she gets hurt or hurts anypony." Twilight responded.

"Y-You don't really think she would hurt somepony do you?" Fluttershy asked.

"I don't know. She already attacked on of the Princess' guards and said that she could do it again while smiling."

"Well everything seems alright now, but I'll fly overhead and see if I can find her." said Rainbow Dash and took off immediately afterwards.

* * *

Nearly two hours had passed and there was still no word on Epsilon. They even got Rarity, Applejack, and "Detective Pinkie" to help. Eventually they had given up and decided to head to the library to think about places where the alicorn could have disappeared to. When they got there however, their jaws dropped.

"Are you kidding me?!" Rainbow Dash yelled.

Church was wearing a pair of sunglasses and was leaned back in a beach chair on the landing platform. He heard Rainbow and looked down at them.

"Finally!" he said. "I was getting ready to head inside and slap you awake!"

"Were you here the whole time?!" Twilight asked.

"If by 'the whole time' you mean the past two and a half hours, waiting for you to get up, then yes. I've been here the whole time."

Pinkie Pie fell over laughing at the outcome while Rainbow Dash had an annoyed look on her face and everypony else breathed a sigh of relief as Twilight looked down in embarrassment. She didn't even think to check there.

"Well now that you're here, let's go." Church said as he flew down.

"Go? Go where?" asked Twilight as she looked back up.

"To get food. I've been dying for the past two and a half fucking hours!"

Pinkie Pie gasped and pointed a hoof at him. "Swear!"

"Ah, shut up."

"Right. We forgot to tell Pinkie that Epsilon's word choice is a little... extravagant." Rarity said to the others.

"Hey. Food now, talk later."

"If yer that hungry then why didn' ya go 'n get it yerself?" asked Applejack.

"Because I don't know my way around, nor do I have any money." he stated bluntly.

"Oh, right."

"Anyways, we're going now." He grabbed Twilight by the "arm" and started to walk off. "Come along, Twinkle Sprinkle."

"It's Twilight Sparkle!" she replied as she was being dragged off.

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie burst out into laughter at what Epsilon just called their friend and the others chuckled a bit.

"Hey, has anyone seen Twilight?" Spike asked as he came outside. Twilight had him stay in case Church came back.

"Y-Yeah! She just left." Rainbow Dash snickered.

"Oh, where'd she go?"

"Epsilon dragged her down to go get something to eat." Rarity told him.

"Epsilon came back? That's great!" Then Spike blushed as his stomach rumbled. "Uh, do you know exactly where they went?"

"Nope! But guess what Epsilon called her!" Pinkie Pie said happily as she bounced up and down.

* * *

As Church, Twilight, and Spike were waiting on their orders, the new alicorn had a bunch of eyes watching him.

"The hell do you want?" Church snapped at the ponies on the street, causing them to disperse. He then shot a glance at the other ones sitting at the tables and they quickly looked away.

"You know, you could be nicer." Twilight said.

"Don't give a shit."

"They're just curious. I mean, a new alicorn suddenly appears and is eating at a place everypony goes to."

"I don't care. It's annoying. How would you like if you just came to a new place and got stared at everywhere you went?"

"I guess... not very much." the purple unicorn replied, thinking about it.

"Then, there you go."

After that the food came out and everyone ate. Church was reluctant at first because everything was some kind of plant or fruit in one form or another, no meat, he had wanted to try it; there was also the fact that he never had a body until yesterday so he didn't know how to eat.

"So, when's the party?" Spike asked.

"Party?" Church questioned.

"Pinkie Pie's throwing you a party in order to welcome you to Ponyville, remember?" Twilight asked.

"Oh, yeah. Right. Crap."

"Come on, Epsilon. It'll be fun." Spike told him.

* * *

Flashback to Blood Gulch...

"Come on, Church, it'll be fun!" Tucker exclaimed.

"Tucker, for the last time; if the rookie that's coming in is a girl, I am not making up a dumb 'armor check' rule." Church said in an annoyed tone.

"Please, Church? We could just say that it's a standard procedure or some shit."

"No. We both know that you just want to see them naked if they're a chick."

"That's what'll make it fun!"

"Ya know? I'm kind of hoping the rookie does turn out to be a chick. That way, I can watch them beat and kill you."

* * *

Another Blood Gulch flashback...

"But it would be tons of fun!" Caboose said.

"I am not going into the vacuum cleaner." Church told him.

"But since you are now a ghost, and ghost do ghosty things, this is the perfect game to play!"

"I'm not playing Ghostbusters!"

* * *

Flashback to the windmill...

"I'm not pissing off the alien just so you can fight it! You better not make it mad either!" Church yelled.

"But where's the joy in life if you aren't trying to kill something?" Sarge asked.

"You might start another war!"

"Exactly! War is the most fun thing to have ever existed! We're humans, we were born to fight and kill eachother for no apparent reason! What is life without senseless violence?!"

* * *

Chorus flashback...

"Please, Church?" Tucker begged.

"For the love of everything, Tucker, just shut up! I am not recording and sending you video footage of Carolina, Kimball, Jenson, or anyone else in the fucking shower!" Church screamed.

* * *

Back to the current time...

"No, I'm pretty sure it won't." Epsilon muttered under his breath.

* * *

Two hours later...

Church, Twilight, and Spike were standing in front of Sugarcube corner. At this point Church wasn't even surprised that these rainbow horses had a building completely made of sweets, but he felt like he would get diabetes by just looking at it. He then facehoofed at the fact that the Caboose copy lived there.

"Do I really have to go through with this?" he asked.

Twilight gave him a look that said: "yes" before walking inside with Spike.

*sigh* "Let's get this over with." Epsilon said before he followed them.

He looked around after entry and saw a punch bowl, dozens of balloons, a buffet of desserts (a majority of them being cupcakes), an ironic Pin the Tail on the Donkey game, Twister, even freaking Hunger Hungry Hippos! Then the next thing he knew, Pinkie Pie shouted: "She's here!" and pointed a hoof at him, making everypony turn around and look at him with smiles on there faces.

"Everypony, go say "hi"!" Pinkie shouted and Church's eyes grew as all the ponies talked at the same time so that he couldn't understand a word they said as they walked up to him.

Church slowly backed away from the crowd until his behind hit the door.

'Oh God, no.' he thought before the ponies reached him and started to swarm him.

"Noooooooooooooo!"

* * *

Celestia's castle...

Celestia, Luna, and Cadence were having a meeting about Church.

"When you had first told me what happened, I was afraid that Discord broke lose." said Cadence.

"Thankfully not, but the way this "Epsilon" has entered into the land concerns me." stated Luna.

"It is a bit alarming, nopony has appeared like that in centuries; nor has the mention of a god." Celestia mentioned.

"No, not since when Elvis arrived."

* * *

Back at the party...

'Five hours. Five. Fucking. Hours. Why and how is this still going on? I would rather put up with the guys than all of this.' Church thought to himself as he sat in a chair as far away from everyone as he possibly could. He had begun to thing about the past and put his hoof to his head.

Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash then approached him.

"This party is awesome! Right, Epsilon?" Rainbow asked.

"Huh? Yeah, right. Great job." he lied. In reality he just wanted it to end.

"Darling, are you okay?" Rarity questioned.

"Why do you ask?"

"Well, you're sitting far away from everypony and have a hoof on your head."

"Oh no! Are you sick? I have just the thing to make you feel better." Pinkie said before holding up a cupcake out of nowhere.

"Uh, Pinkie... I don't think that would help." Rainbow told her.

"It always works for me. There was this one time I sprained my hoof and I rubbed a cupcake on it and it got better. No, wait, that time it was sprinkles. But there was this one time I..."

"Just shut up, Caboose." Church interrupted, not realizing what he just called her.

"Caboose?" Rainbow questioned.

Church looked up. "Huh?"

"You just called Pinkie 'Caboose'."

"I did?"

"Yeah."

"Who's Caboose?" Pinkie asked.

There was silence for a bit before Church stood up. "I'm going back to the tree now. Uh, thanks for the party or whatever." he said, devoid of any joy or happiness. And with that, he left the building.

'Did I seriously just call her Caboose?' Epsilon questioned as he walked down the street. 'I guess it's not my fault. I mean, she's basically a somehow even more annoying voiced copy. But do I actually miss that idiot?'

Church stopped walking and stared up in a tree at a mother bird with her chicks.

"... Yeah, I guess I do. God, I hope the guys survived."

* * *

Back inside Sugarcube corner...

"And she just left?" Twilight questioned.

"Yeah. It was kind of ominous actually." Rainbow told her.

"What d'ya reckon it was about?" asked Applejack.

"When I had asked Epsilon about her family back in the hospital, she just told me and the Princess that they were... gone." Twilight explained.

"So she's sad 'cause they're on a trip without her?" Applebloom asked.

"No. I'm afraid it's not like that."

Fluttershy's eyes grew. "Wait. You mean like 'gone' gone?" she asked nervously.

"That's what it seems like."

With that, the mane six grew saddened looks; especially Applejack.

"What's that mean?" Applebloom asked.

"Nothin' ya need ta worry 'bout, sugarcube." her sister told her while forcing a slight smile. "Would ya mind ta go 'n grab me a slice of apple pie?"

As soon as Applebloom was out of earshot, Rarity spoke up. "That name probably brought up memories for the poor thing."

"Well, what can we do about it?" Rainbow asked.

"We should give her some space fer the time being." Applejack said and the rest of the group turned to her, everyone but Twilight had pity looks in their eyes.

* * *

The library...

Church was sitting down again and sighed as he rubbed the back of his neck. He decided to make another recording.

"Church's log #2: Hey guys. If you ever see this then I bet everyone but Donut's laughing your heads off right now, and that you did the same with the first recording. I'm pretty sure I look stupid sitting in this fucking chair like a dog in a female horse body that looks and sounds like Tex. Life here sucks and I found a pink, female, Caboose that lives in a candy house and is on a constant sugar rush. Anyways, I uh... I hope you idiots are doing okay. You're probably fine. I mean you beat Felix and the Reds somehow managed to kill the Goddamn Meta. The point is that you losers are unkillable. Tucker, I want you to keep an eye on everyone for me. Oh, and if you don't keep the suit, don't let Doc/O'Malley or Sarge have it. God knows all hell would break loose. Carolina, try not to kick everyone's asses too much."

* * *

 **Note: Yes, I made an Elvis joke. No, I regret nothing.**


	3. Update

**Dear readers: I want to apologize for the lack of uploads on any of my stories for the month and I'm just letting you all know that none of** **them are dead. It started off with me just taking a small break for a week or so in order to read some other stories, watch some anime, and play a few video games... but then I got an EEG done, registered for my collage classes which was kind of an issue for a small amount of false information I received, had to do a pretty good amount of house/yard work, and just haven't had motivation to write for most of these past days really; although I have written some parts of chapters and have one almost complete and even started on a new story. Yeah I know, five stories at once is a lot but hey... it's a Deadpool in RWBY story! Although one of if not our favorite merc is in a new incarnation that you'll have to wait for and I may or may not upload to the site in a while because four stories at once is already a pretty good amount to deal with... we'll see. So again, sorry for the wait and I'll hopefully have the next chapters for all my stories come out soon. :)**


	4. Chapter 3: Church the Dragonslayer Pt1

A blue glow was surrounded around three books that were being lifted into the air before spinning in a circle.

"You're doing great for somepony new to magic." Twilight stated.

Epsilon had been in Ponyville for nearly a week now but had hardly talked to anypony but her and Spike... and even only then it was because she was bored, wanted something to eat, or because Twilight was giving her magic lessons! The purple unicorn had been trying to get the alicorn to open up but was always shot down or ignored as the latter was always either testing magic or science experiments usually late into the night. It was ironic really. Epsilon was just like her back when she lived in Canterlot; now she was on the receiving end of it.

"Of course I am. Did you think I was some kind of pleb?" Epsilon asked.

Only Twilight wasn't so... whatever the alicorn could be described as.

"Alright, let's get into the teleportation shit." Church said as he puts the books down.

"I've already told you you're not ready for it. It takes a lot of effort and concentration, and is one of the hardest kinds of magic to master, it took me a long time to get down... and my special talent is magic." Twilight stated.

"Aww, come on! If you don't teach me how to do it then I'll find someone who will; or you know, go blow up a bunch of shit."

"Why do you want to learn it so badly?"

"That's none of your..." Church was cut off from his sentence when his eyes flashed a light red color twice. "Uh oh."

"Are... you okay? You're eyes just..."

"Hey, is it normal for giant black clouds of smoke to pass over?"

"No... Why?"

Twilight's answer came in a letter burped from Spike's gut.

"I still can't believe that you literally have a Goddamn dragon and you only use him as a paper boy." Epsilon said as Twilight levitated the scroll over to herself. "Dragons are supposed to be badass bringers of mayhem!"

The purple unicorn rolled her eyes at the alicorn's statement before she read the letter. After a moment, her eyes had grown wide.

"No way..." she muttered.

"What?" Church asked.

"A cload of smoke is covering all of Equestria!"

"Where's it coming from?"

"... A dragon."

"A what?!" Spike questioned.

"A: That's scarily convenient to our conversation, and B: Dude, calm your tits... YOU are a dragon." Epsilon informed him.

"I'm a baby dragon, Twilight's talking about a fully grown one!"

"Really? Hell yeah! Finally something awesome!"

"I need to go gather the others. Epsilon, you stay here with Spike." Twilight said and before Church could say anything else, the purple unicorn was gone.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later...

"What in the name of all things cinnamon swirls is a full grown dragon doin' here in Equestria?" questioned Applejack.

"Sleeping." Twilight responded, making everypony say: "Huh?"

"According to Princess Celestia, he's taking a nap. His snoring is what's causing all the smoke." the purple unicorn continued as she put a book in a saddlebag.

"He should really see a doctor, that doesn't sound healthy at all." Pinkie Pie stated.

"Well, at least he's not snoring FIRE." Rairty told her.

"Speak for yourself. I wanna watch some shit light up!" Eplison yells.

"That would be awful!"

"It would be BADASS!"

"It would be kind of cool." Rainbow Dash says and Rarity throws her an angry look. "I mean, uh... boo."

"Anyways, what are we meant to do about it?" Rarity questioned after she quit glaring at her friend.

"I'll tell you what we're meant to do. Give 'em the boot!" Rainbow Dash then preceded to kick a statue. "Take that!"

Twilight keeps it from falling over and lifts it up when the blue pegasus charges at it, causing her to crash into a bookshelf.

"We need to ENCOURAGE him to take a nap somewhere else." said the purple unicorn.

"Yeah, good luck with that." Church said sarcastically.

"You're helping too."

"Why should I? I'd rather just sit back and watch he show."

"Uh, how about out of the goodness of your heart?" Twilight said as if it were obvious with a tone of annoyance.

"Pfft. In case you haven't noticed, I hate everyo... pony... and that includes you. Besides, it's not my problem."

"Aww, you don't mean that!" Pinkie Pie said as she wrapped a hoof around the alicorn.

"Yeah, I do." Epsilon replied as he shoved her hoof off.

"But we're friends!"

"Shut up."

This is bad. Princess Celestia had requested that Twilight keep an eye on Epsilon, so she can't just leave her in town. An idea then popped in Twilight's head.

"Whatever. Come on girls, Epsilon can just stay here." the purple unicorn said as she started walking out the door before suddenly stopping. "Oh and Spike, please do some cleaning up. After all, we're going to need somewhere to put all the treasure and magical items we bring back."

"Wait... what?" Church questioned.

"Oh you know, when we get the dragon to leave he'll leave all of his stuff behind seeing as how he can't carry it off with him."

Church put a hoof to his chin as Twilight began to slowly started exiting again. 'Being rich doesn't sound so bad, and if there are... magical, items, I might be able to finally get home if I find a useful one!' he thought.

Epsilon then looked up to see Twilight nearly out of the door so he flew as fast as he could to get in front of her and stop her exit.

"Alright I'll go!" Church yelled.

"What happened to 'not your problem?'" Twilight asked smugly but Church was too worked up to notice.

"I changed my mind! This concerns me greatly! So let's go slay the damn thing and take his shit!"

"Ya wanna slay 'em?!" Applejack questioned.

"Of course! You always kill the dragon! Even Dash said to get rid of him!"

"I never said anything about slaying him though." Rainbow states.

"Haven't you guys ever read fairy tails?! A dragon always shows up to kidnap a princess and then a knight tracks it down and cuts the fucker's head off before mounting it on his wall!"

"... What did your parents do to you?" Rarity asked in a scared tone.

"We can talk about Epsilon's disturbing fillyhood later. Rght now we need to get ready. Princess Celestia has given us this mission and we must not fail, if we do, Equestria will be covered in smoke for then next one hundred years." Twilight states, making Fluttershy gasp.

"Talk about getting your beauty sleep." deadpanned Rarity.

"Alight everypony, I need you to gather supplies quickly; we've got a long journey ahead of us. Let's meet back here in less than an hour."

"Okay girls, you heard her! The fate of Equestria is in our hooves! Do we have what it takes?!" Rainbow questions.

"I'll bet ya!" Applejack replied.

"Yeah! We can do it!" Pinkie Pie announced.

"Absolutely!" Rairty exclaimed.

"Fuck yeah!" Epsilon yelled happily.

The first four then left the tree.

"Um... actually..." Fluttershy started.

* * *

Twenty minutes later...

Everypony but Church and Twilight were in a line as the latter paced back and forth in front of them.

"Alight girls, listen up. I'm mapping out the fastest route but we've all got to keep a good pace if we expect to make it up the mountain by nightfall." the purple unicorn stated.

"M-Mountain?" Fluttershy stuttered fearfully.

"The dragon is in that cave at the very top." Twilight told them while pointing at said cave.

"That's... oddly specific that you know that." Epsilon stated.

"Looks pretty cold up there." Applejack said.

"You bet it is! The higher you go, the chillier it gets." Rainbow Dash informed her.

"Good thing I brought my scarf." stated Rarity before pulling said object out of her saddlebag and around her neck.

"Ooo, pretty!" Pinkie Pie said.

*snicker* "Yeah, that'll keep you nice and cozy." Rainbow said sarcastically.

Twilight then read a map and pretty much ignored Fluttershy as the pony tried to speak while Church ran a scan of the mountain.

'Okay, the dragon really is there. The hell did the sunass princess know that? Okay, got a clear path.' Church thought to himself. "Hey, Bookhorse, I know the best w...!"

"Wait! You have to come! Your way with wild animals will surely come in handy!" Twilight interrupted, not hearing him.

"I don't think I..." Fluttershy started but was also cut off.

"Oh, and don't worry about your little friends in the meadow. Spike's got it covered while you're gone."

"You can count on me!" the baby dragon said before Fluttershy's pet named Angle Bunny thumped his foot on the former's head, making him flinch and letting all the animals run off.

"Hey! Hey! Wait!" he yelled as he chased after them.

"I don't think he's up to the task. Maybe..." Fluttershy started again but was once again ignored as Twilight folded the map and begun to walk off. "But... But... Eep!"

"Mah, just let her stay. She wouldn't be able to do shit anyways." Epsilon told the purple unicorn as he walked up beside her.

"On the contrary, Fluttershy's special talent is dealing with animals; so she will be more than helpful to convince the dragon to leave." Twilight said.

"You... want her to just talk to it?"

"That's the plan."

"And you think it's just gonna leave?"

"I hope so."

Church facehoofed. "A: You're stupid, and B: You're going to kill her. I hope you know that."

"I will not!"

"Okay then, when she gets eaten alive... don't come crying to me."

"She'll be fine."

The two then heard a shriek and looked over to she the subject of their conversation trying to get away from her own shadow before jumping into a bush.

"She's fucking dead." Epsilon stated.

* * *

 **HHHHRROOOOOONK!**

The noise stopped all the ponies in their tracks and Fluttershy let out a gasp before running to hide behind Applejack.

"Woah. What was that?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"That, is what it sounds like when a dragon snores." Twilight explained.

"Man, and I thought Tucker was loud." Epsilon said.

"It-It's so... high." Fluttershy stated as her eyes just barely peered over Applejack's shoulder.

"Well it is a mountain." Rainbow told her. "I'm going to fly up there and check it out!"

The blue pegasus only made it a few inches before Applejack grabbed her tail and pulled her back down.

"Hold on now. I think we should all go up together, safety in numbers 'n all." the cowpony said.

"Oh all right." Rainbow said in an annoyed fashion as she crossed her forelegs.

She and Epsilon then slowly flew above the wingless members of their party as they walked up the rocks.

"I hear the only thing that sparkles more than a dragon's scales, are the jewels they use to build their nests." Rarity announced.

"Dibs." Church said.

"Come again?" asked Applejack.

"Dibs. Once we slay the thing, I get all it's bling."

"We're not...! And that's hardly fair!" exclaimed Rarity.

"Sucks to be you. DIBS."

Rarity opened her mouth to argue back when Twilight shouted: "Girls!" to get them to stop.

Rarity looked back at Epsilon to see the alicorn raising a hoof at her, making her confused as to the meaning... Church only put it down as he remembered that he doesn't have fingers anymore.

"Fluttershy, you're the expert on wild creatures; what do you think the dragon will be like?" the purple unicorn continued.

No response.

"Fluttershy?"

All the ponies then turned around to see that said pegasus was still on the ground, hiding behind a bush.

"Hey! What are you waiting for?! An invitation?!" Rainbow Dash yelled to her.

"Ooh! I think I have one in my bag!" Pinkie Pie stated happily before quickly pulling one out of her saddlebag as streamers and confetti pop out.

"Why am I not surprised?" Church asked sarcastically and in an annoyed fashion.

"I-It's so... so... steep." stated Fluttershy in a scared voice.

"Well it is a cliff. You could just, oh I don't know, FLY up here!" Rainbow told her.

"Come on, Fluttershy! Flap those wings!" Pinkie yelled as she waved her forelegs up and down.

"O-Okay." the yellow pegasus said nervously before slowly opening her wings and flying upwards... then the dragon snored and her wings retracted in fear, causing her to fall out of the air and back into the bush.

Both Church and Rainbow Dash hoofpalmed.

"Uhg. We don't have time for this." Twilight stated as Fluttershy struggled to open her wings back up.

Church then sighed and flew down to the latter before picking her up into a princess carry and she wrapped her forelegs around his neck.

"Let's hurry this up." Epsilon said as he started flying back up.

"T-Thank you." Fluttershy said quietly.

"Whatever."

Then the dragon snored again, making her grip Epsilon's neck tighter in fear.

"Gwuk!" the latter noised as he was being choked.

* * *

As soon as they made it onto a flat area, Church pried Fluttershy off of his neck and set her down before he started to gasp for breath. The group let him breathe again before they continued on for a little while longer. They stopped when they reached a point that they had to cross which involved the wingless ponies plus Fluttershy to jump over a gap... everypony but the element of kindness made it over with no problem.

"Your turn, Fluttershy." Twilight said kindly.

"But, it's so... wide." said pegasus stated as she hugged a rock.

"Oh you gotta be fucking kidding me." Church muttered under his breath.

"Come on Flutteryshy, we should be much farther along by now." Twilight told her.

"Ya could just leap on over it." suggested Applejack.

Fluttershy looked down the gap. "I..."

The dragon snored again, forcing her to curl up into a ball.

"I don't know."

Twilight and Rainbow Dash shook their heads while Epsilon pulled the skin down from his eyes as he looked up.

"It's two fucking feet long! Quit being a baby!" he shouted.

"Yer not helpin'." stated Applejack.

"There's nothing to be afraid of! It's just a hop, skip and a jump!" Pinkie Pie announced before jumping over the gap. "See?"

And then the pink pony did something that made Church cringe. She started... singing.

|It's not very far

Just move your little rump

You can make it if you try

With a hop and a Jump!|

Pinkie then kept jumping back and forth over the gap.

"We don't have time for this." stated Twilight.

|A hop and a jump!

Just move your little rump!

A hop and a jump!

A hop and a jump!

A hop and a jump!

A hop and a jump!

A hop and a...!|

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Epsilon screamed.

Pinkie just stared at the alicorn for a moment before finishing her song happily.

|jump!|

"Gaah!" Church yelled in anger before turning around and walking to the "wall" of the mountain.

He closed his eyes and smacked his forehead into it.

'It's almost over. All I need is a magical item to send me home... or erase me from existence. At this point I don't really give a fuck.' he thought.

Church then looked back at the group to see Fluttershy FAIL her pathetic excuse for a jump over the TWO FOOT WIDE GAP!

He smacked his head into the wall again.

'It's almost over... But at this rate, we'll never fucking get there.'

 **HHHHRROOOOOONK!**

Epsilon looked straight up at the top of the mountain from where the dragon was sleeping before looking behind him to the rest of the group, back at the top, the Mane Six, and then finally to his wings; and a determined look grew across his face. He stretched them out and took off, catching the attention of Twilight.

"Epsilon?! Where are you going?!" the purple unicorn questioned, but either went unheard or was just ignored... probably the latter.

Once he reached entrance of the cave, Church landed on the ground and scanned the inside. One big ass dragon? Check. Hoards of treasure? Check. The A.I.'s sanity? Probably not. Meh. He should have lost it long ago anyways.

"Now, how to pull this thing off?" he mumbled to himself.

If only he had his sniper rifle. … Wait. The A.I. of memory turned his head to look at his backside, where a tattoo of his preferred weapon sat. Bingo. Church sat on the ground and squeezed his eyes shut, attempting to use his magic to bring the weapon to life, which finally worked after about four minutes of feeling like his head was going to explode. He opened his eyes to see a System 99 Series 5 Anti-Materiel with the trigger expanded to where he can pull it with a hoof sitting right in front of him. That settles it. He is 100% a god.

* * *

 **Note: Okay, I know this is short, but I haven't completely decided how I want this to confrontation to go. Why not wait to post till it's done? Because I haven't put anything on this site in like 80 years and I'm also trying to get another chapter out for a different story as well. Also, the story will not always go along with episodes, I just thought this would be fun. Anyways, hope y'all enjoyed.**


	5. Update 2

**Dear Readers: Hey y'all, I know it's been a while and so here's a short update. I got a job, so yay. I've also been pretty busy with moving as I had to help my sister and her fiancée move into their own place and had to move everything from my house into two other new places. We finally got it put on the market today. There was a point where I got back to working on my stories on here... but that didn't last long as my dog, who has been in my family for nearly my entire life, had a stroke and is having eating and walking problems so I've been worried over him constantly and spending a lot of my spare time with him. I apologize for the lack of uploads and I hope I'll have something out soon.**

 **Until then,**

 ** _PBB_**


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